Love with a B-Movie “Monster”

Suave

Church of the Fucking Suave

Lonely? Looking for a groovy kind of love?

Ever get that creepy feeling that someone is watching you?
Does it turn you on?
Then you, my friend, are not alone.

Take a gander at Sgt.B-pers Lonely Monster Hearts Club.

Don’t be afraid. Monsters have feelings, too, and are as gentle as little kittens.

Here’s an all-star lineup:

Creature of the Black Lagoon
Height: 6’ 4”; rugged, scaly.
Pros: Tall. Ripped. Good swimmer. Probably friends with Henry Mancini.
He’s a landowner with huge, misty grotto-type swimming pool…chicks love that sort of thing.
Cons: Requires constant gill grooming; hisses frequently (is the jealous type). Boggy.


Eegah!
Height: Taller than you think; hairy, very hairy.
Pros: Likes midnight hair-pulling and shaving cream parties. That’s a huge turn-on.
Cons: Only speaks the language of love. That could be considered a pro, though.
Probably does not drive.


The Manster (Doktor Satan)
Height: Who cares? Larry has 2 heads. And he knows where you live.
Pros: Is very attentive-- has more than one eye—and at times, one of them is on his right shoulder.
Cons: Likes to throw his girlfriends into active volcanoes and kill Buddhist monks.

Dr. Cyclops
Height: Unknown, but it doesn’t matter, ‘cause he will shrink you to 12 inches tall to be his own diaper-wearing love puppet.
Pros: Has poor vision, would not take notice of a bad hair day. Probably owns a stellar eyeglass collection. Has a radiation dungeon of love.
Cons: Likes to set things on fire.


Count Dracula
Height: 6’ 1”. Immortal.
Pros: He is Bela Lugosi.
He has sharp, pointy, teeth.
He understands ‘The story of the strangest passion the world has ever known!’
Cons: Bites. Sleeps all day. Drinks blood (yours).

Bigfoot
Some call him Yeti, some call him Sasquatch, Skunk Ape. A large, hairy, bipedal humanoid.
Height: No one really seems to know.
Pros: A real Nature Boy—camps well, always finds food. Loves a good clambake. Likes to stay up late.
Cons: He will pee on your tent.
He stinks. Phew!

Dr. Frank-N-Furter:
Height: 5' 9", oozing with ideas for “scientific experimentation.”
Pros and Cons: He would wear your best lingerie.
He’s a doctor. ;)

Dr. Goldfoot
Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine
Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (Bava)
Height: 6’ 4”
Pros: He’s Vincent Price, dammit!
You’d have a different gold bikini to wear every day of the week.
Fembots!
Cons: Um….I can’t think of any right now.


And now for some things you’ll really like:

The Blob
Height: It varies.
Pros: It battled Steve Mc Queen.
Burt Bacharach co-wrote its movie’s theme song.
It likes to eat projection men, so you’ll likely leave the theater with free passes for a movie you haven’t seen yet. Plus, it’s a cheap movie date.
Cons: It can’t play in the snow.
It eats diners.

The Tingler
Pros:
It battled Vincent Price.
Claims to have the first depiction of LSD used in a major motion picture (scientists whacked out on LSD battle invertebrates?).
It is quiet.
Cons: Percepto: "Scream for your lives!" It is a slug that will goose you and try to cop a feel.

The Crawling Eye
Height: Small
Pros: Likes telepathic hotties, has lots of tentacles to embrace its true love.
It will always keep an eye out for you.
Cons: Likes to tear off heads.

The Creeping Terror
Height: About 8 feet tall.
Pros: Does not like hootenannies.
Attracts dust and mites like a furry Rumba…the shag carpet in your home will stay clean.
Cons: Devours everything, moves excruciatingly slowly—will never learn Kung Fu.

The Giant Behemoth
Height: “The Biggest Thing Since Creation!”
Pros: “Nessie” rides on the shores of Cornwall.
Cons: Radiation burns on your inner thighs.

King Kong
Height: 40-50 feet.
Pros: Has big, tickly monkey fingers and a tight grip.
Cons: Has bad breath. Rage fits are a bit too close for comfort.


Hurry. They are waiting for YOU……